Charlie and Mike and the Chocolate Factory
by SNAPE IS SNAPE
Summary: AU. Wonka wanted a heir. He got two instead, and he isn't thrilled about it. What if Mike resisted the temptation of the television room and won the factory with Charlie?
1. A Unexpected Twist

One more. Just one. Once Mike Teavee was gone, Willy Wonka's plan would finally fall into place.

"I wanna pick a room." Mike Teavee demanded. They were on the flying glass elevator and Mike was getting bored.

A devilish smile, full of loathing and evil entered Willy Wonka's face. "Go ahead."

Predictably, he picked the **_Television_ Room**. Oh, just priceless! No doubt the child would be easy to provoke. He had been fairly civil for most of the tour, but Mike had made it quite clear he loathed what Willy Wonka stood for.

The elevator entered the pure white room. Oh, how glorious this would be. Truly a remarkable experience. He would have his final act of vengeance against the four slimy creatures that had desecrated his precious factory with their existence, while the white sheep would inherit his world. Hypothetically, if Teavee were to avoid this little test, he and Charlie Bucket would co-inherited the factory. The thought of Mike Teavee having a part of his factory, even only fifty percent, terrified Wonka. He had seen the way the child massacred his majestic pumpkins, but what really appalled Wonka were the words he spoke on the elevator.

_Candy is a waste of time._

Wonka had wanted to open the doors and push the child off the elevator and into the depths of Fudge Mountain right there and then.

No, there was no way the child could resist. It would be a beautiful show. Mike Teavee's parents had surrendered him to technology, and it would eat him up. Charlie would be cast out as the heir, and his chocolate empire would reign in glory for the ages.

Wonka gave each of his guests a pair of unusual goggles, less they have there eyes burnt out. "We wouldn't want that, would we?" Wonka said, waiting to see if that boy would take them off just to spite him. He didn't. Oh, well, on with the main event.

"This is the testing room for my latest and greatest invention: television chocolate," Wonka explained, "one day it occurred to me: 'Hey! If television can break up a photograph into millions and millions of tiny little pieces, and send it whizzing through the air to be reassembled on the other end, then why can't I do the same thing with chocolate?'"

Nobody responded, though Mike was irritated. _Sending chocolate through television? _Wonka had really lost his last bit of sanity, hadn't he?

"Why can't I," Wonka continued, "send a real bar of chocolate through the air, ready to be eaten?"

"Sound's impossible." Mr. Teavee observed.

"It _is_ impossible," Mike Teavee said, "you don't understand anything about science. First off, there's a difference between waves and particles. Duh! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs."

"MUMBLER!" Wonka roared. _Can't this child shut up about "facts" for once?_ "Seriously. I can't understand a word your saying."

Mike glared at the chocolatier.

"Okey-dokey," Wonka said happily as he turned away from Mike, "I shall now send a bar of chocolate from one end of the room, to the other... by television!"

_No. you won't,_ Mike thought. He didn't know how Wonka had done the other things, but this was self-evident.

"Bring in the chocolate!" Wonka called.

Six Oompa-Loompa's carried the biggest chocolate bar that any of the guests had ever seen to what was presumably a video camera.

"It's got to be real big, because you know how on TV you see a regular size man and he looks this tall?" Wonka asked, demonstrating with his fingers, "same basic principle."

Wonka pressed a red button and the chocolate began to defy gravity, rising into a glass tube. A flash of light surrounded the tube and the chocolate bar disappeared.

"It's gone." Charlie said in shock.

Wonka turned to his heir-to-be. "Told ya. And that bar of chocolate is now rushing through the air above our heads into a million tiny little pieces. Come over here! Come on! Come on!" Wonka began running to the television seat watched by a Oopma-Loompa. "Watch the screen!"

Mike looked at the screen and recognized the film as_ 2001: A Space Odyssey_. A Wonka bar was right in the middle of the film.

Wonka tapped Mike's elbow. "Take it." Wonka said. He knew the boy wouldn't, but was hoping to get a rise out of him.

"It's just a picture on a screen." Mike insisted. He had no idea what happened to the candy bar, but Wonka couldn't just avert reality when he wanted too.

"Scaredy cat," Wonka said, then turned to Charlie, "you take it."

Charlie looked at the chocolatier with an unfathomable expression. Wonka could do many things, but this just seemed impossible. _But then what happened to the chocolate?_ Charlie slowly extended his hand, half-expecting to hit the screen. His hand entered the screen._ It's real!_ Charlie grabbed the chocolate bar.

Mike's stomach felt sick. _How can this be real? It can't be. But that poor kid definitely has a chocolate bar. How?_

"Holy Bucket's." Grandpa Joe exclaimed.

Charlie looked at Wonka, unsure what he was supposed to do now that he had the bar.

"Eat it," Wonka suggested, "Go on! It'll be delicious. It's the same bar, it's just gotten smaller."

Wonka then clicked his teeth in a final plea. Charlie unwrapped the chocolate and took a miniscule bite, half-afraid it wasn't real chocolate.

"It's great." Charlie said.

"It's a miracle." Grandpa Joe said breathlessly.

"So, imagine," Wonka said, "your sitting at home watching television, and suddenly a commercial will flash on screen saying 'Wonka's chocolate's are the best in the world. If you don't believe us, try one yourself.' And you simply reached out," he motioned the act of reaching out, "and take it! How about that?"

"Mr. Wonka, can you send other things?" Mr. Teavee asked, "say, like breakfast cereal?"

"Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal is made of?" Wonka challenged, "it's those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners."

"But could you send it by television if you wanted to?" Charlie asked.

"Course I could." Wonka said.

"What about people?" Mike asked curiously.

"Why would I want to send a person?" Wonka asked, "they don't taste very good."

"Don't you realize what you've invented?!" Mike asked angrily, "it's a teleporter! It's the most important invention in the history of the world! And all you think about is chocolate." Mike added in a tone of disgust.

"Calm down, Mike," Mr. Teavee said, "I think Mr. Wonka knows what he's talking about!"

"No he doesn't! He has no idea!" Mike insisted, "you think that he's a genius, but he's a idiot! But I'm not!"

Mike began running towards the machine.

"Mike, don't you remember what happened to the other's?" Mr. Teavee said.

Mike stopped dead in his tracks. He remembered all right. A chocolate river, a blueberry, a garbage chute. Come to think of it, why he been so stupid as to nearly run toward that machine? He would have shrunk!

Mike gave a sigh and walked back to the others.

Wonka's face looked murderous. "I'm very glad you acted sensible, little boy." Wonka claimed, hoping reverse psychology would work.

"Let's go to a different room." Mike suggested.

Suddenly, the television changed to a Oompa-Loompa newscaster, which caused Mike to raise his eyebrows.

"TURN IT!" Wonka roared in desperation, causing the four guests to look at him in astonishment. If they learned that he had written all of these demise songs in advance...

The Oompa-Loompa's were now playing with toy robots.

"Turn it to something else!" Wonka roared in panic.

Back to the news anchor. "The most important thing."

Wonka felt a knot in his stomach. Hadn't he ordered them not to play the songs if the demise didn't occur? Why... No, actually, he hadn't. Because he had been so sure these four kids were all doomed.

_That we've ever learned_

_The Most important thing we've learned_

_As far as children are concerned_

Wonka snatched the remote from the Oompa-Loompa's hands and clicked upward, turning it back to the toy robots.

_Is never even let them near, a television set_

_Or better yet just don't install the idiotic thing at all_

Mike's eyebrows rose in anger at the lyrics. Wonka clicked another button. It was a black and white image, and somebody was walking into a shower. But Mike had seen_ Psycho_ enough times to know this was not from the film.

Wonka clicked another button, then gave a nervous chuckle. "He, he, the crazy things on TV these days."

A Oompa-Loompa rock band appeared on the screen and began playing some notes.

_It rots the senses in the head, _

_It keeps imagination dead! _

_It clogs and clutters up the mind! _

_It makes a child so dull and blind!_

"What?" Mike shouted in anger, but he didn't bother to turn to see Wonka's reaction, too transfixed by the performance.

_He can no longer understand, A fairy tale, a fairyland_

_His brain becomes as soft as cheese! _

_His thinking powers rust and freeze!_

_He cannot think, he only sees!_

The Ooompa-Loompa drummer hit threw his drumsticks in the air and a powerful note broke out as the scene slowed. Then, confetti surrounded a yellow and purple sky and showed four Oompa-Loompa musicians that reminded Mike of the Beatles.

_Regarding little Mike Teavee_

Mike was taken aback. _Why is my name in this song?_

_We very much regret that we_

_Shall simply have to wait and see_

The Oopmpa-Loompa's were now smashing guitars, shoving knives around a black and white shower.

_Wait and see, wait and see, Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see, _

_We very much regret that we, _

_Shall simply __have to wait and see, _

_If we can get him back his height,_

_But if we_ can't,

The original Oompa-Loompa news anchor slammed his bulletin on the table.

_It serves him right._

A eerie quiet filled the television room. Privately, Wonka was fuming. He had waited all day to tell his "one half of your son" joke and now he couldn't! Worse, they was no way Mike would be eliminated now. He had two heirs.

"Well, that was odd." Grandpa Joe said after the tension became too much for him.

"Yeah." Wonka agreed with a nervous chuckle.

Mike's face was unfathomable, he seemed to be analyzing what just occurred.

"On with the tour." Wonka said.


	2. The Crashing Glass Elevator

"How many children are left?" Wonka asked as he walked toward the glass elevator, hoping a vortex from another universe would appear to suck up the Teavee's and leave him in peace.

"Two, Mr. Wonka," Mr. Teavee said, "Mike and...Charlie? Yes, Charlie."

"Just two?"

The two heirs nodded.

"What happened to the others?"

"Don't you remember?!" Mike asked. He was certain Wonka was playing dumb, but the man was not the sanest person.

"Oh, my dear boy, you two have won!" Wonka energetically shook Charlie's hand, then turned his hand to Mike, forcing out a less enthusiastic "good job!"

Mike resented the chocolatiers' tone, but swallowed his pride and gave Wonka a half-hearted handshake. It suddenly occurred to Mike the reason Wonka was wearing those ridiculous purple gloves was in case he had to shake hands.

"I had a hunch, you know, right from the beginning," Wonka told Charlie, "well done. Now we mustn't dilly or dally. Because we have an enormous number of things to do before the day's out."

Wonka began running toward the great glass elevator. "But luckily for us we have the great glass elevator to speed things alo -" Wonka ran right into the doors of the flying glass elevator.

Mike gave a snicker. Wonka stared daggers at him. "Speed things along. Come on." Wonka added as he clicked the button to open the doors.

The quartet of guests entered the elevator and Wonka pressed a button that said **_Up And_ Out**.

"Up and out? What kind of room is that?" Charlie asked.

Wonka gave a gleeful smile. "Hold on."

A look of excitement entered Charlie's face.

Charlie wasn't worried. He trusted Mr. Wonka completely. Granted, the man was a tad odd, but he was a genius. Wonka wouldn't put them through something that was life-threatening. If anybody could make an elevator perform amazing stunts, it was Willy Wonka.

"Oh, my goodness. We're gonna need to go much faster," Wonka said, "otherwise we'll never make it through."

"Break through what?" Charlie inquired.

"I've been longing to press that button for years." Wonka said.

Mike's face turned to horror as he realized what Wonka meant.

"You mean?..." Grandpa Joe asked in shock.

"Yeah, I do." Wonka said.

"But it's made of_ glass_," Grandpa Joe protested in fear, "it'll shatter in a thousand pieces!"

Wonka gave a psychotic laugh as the elevator ran further and further upward.

Mike and Mr. Teavee closed their eyes. Grandpa Joe looked in unease, while Charlie felt euphoric. A loud smashing noise emerged. Wonka's elevator had smashed its way out of the factory.

The Teavee's opened their eyes and looked in astonishment. Wonka's glass elevator was flying over the city.

"_How_ are you doing this?" Mike Teavee demanded.

The chocolatier giggled. "The miracles of candy."

"This has nothing to do with candy!" Mike snapped, "You somehow have learned how to avert science!"

"Interesting theory." Wonka said in a tone of boredom.

"So, what did we win?" Charlie asked.

"Well, that's quite simple. But we'll get to that later."

The elevator began to sink downward. Wonka pressed a button that caused sparks to emerge from a metal attachment to the elevator. The elevator stood still.

"Oh, look, our friends from the tour." Wonka observed.

Surely enough, Augustus Gloop emerged from the factory covered in chocolate. Literally every visible inch of the child was drowning in thick, hot chocolate. The contestants would have pitied him, if it didn't seem like he was enjoying it.

"Goodness gracious, that greedy boy is eating his fingers." Grandpa Joe said in disgust.

Wonka frowned as he watched Augustus lick himself. Even now that awful child made it his duty to profane his beautiful chocolate! Had the child truly learned nothing from near-death? Prehaps he shouldn't have saved any of these three.

Violet Beauregarde was still blue. Purple, actually. The experience clearly had made her much more flexible. Violet began doing a series of impressive flexes, her mother's disapproval visible.

"She's become a contortionist." Mike pointed out.

"Indeed," Wonka responded, "it's possible the mass volumes of blueberry juice made her bones dissolve." The contestants faces turned to horror at the thought, while Wonka gave his trademark awkward chuckle.

"That isn't funny." Mr. Teavee said, shivering slightly at the thought of what might have happened if Mike had entered that television device.

"Of course not," Wonka said, "oh, look, the Salt's turned out just fine!"

That was a unique interpretation. The Salt's were covered in garbage. Well, decorated at least, as they were not beyond recognition like Augustus. It seems that they had done a fairly good job of fleeing the garbage chute, though they looked quite angry. Unlike Augustus or Violet, no permanent damage seemed to have been done to either. Veruca spotted the elevator, her eyes meeting with the contestants, and she looked in envy and hunger. She then turned to her father.

"I think she's asking her father for a flying glass elevator." Charlie piped up. Mike nodded in agreement.

A stern look on Mr. Salt's face shocked the five.

"What did he say?" Grandpa Joe asked.

"I think... I_ think_ he told her 'no.'" Mr. Teavee answered in astonishment. The idea of Mr. Salt telling his daughter "no" was a strange and foreign concept.

"Really?" Wonka asked brightly, "well, all is well ends well. Anyway," he turned to Charlie, "where do you live?"

Charlie pointed to his house. "Right over there. That little house."

The Teavee's looked at the house in shock. It looked more like an abandoned cottage than a house. Mr. Teavee had read in the paper that the Bucket's had "little income" but that seemed an understatement when he looked at the place.

Wonka directed his elevator towards the house. The elevator soared right over the house, then began fell at a fast speed.

"Mr. Wonka," Grandpa Joe said, "I think your about to -"

The flying glass elevator smashed through the roof of the house, completely destroying it. Mr and Mrs. Bucket jumped back in fear while Grandpa George woke up with a startle.

"I think there's someone at the door." Grandma Georgina thought out loud.

"You should have parked outside." Mike Teavee admonished. Wonka gave him a glare.

"Hi, mom." Charlie called happily as the elevator, waving as the elevator doors opened. Mrs. Bucket waved back in hesitation. She vaguely thought Mike and Mr. Teavee looked familiar, but had no idea who the odd-looking man with the hat was.

"Mom, Dad, were back." Charlie cried as he and Grandpa Joe embraced his parents. The Teavee's stood there, not sure what to do until Charlie motioned toward them. "This is Mike Teavee and his father from the factory tour."

"Ah, I thought you looked familiar." Mrs. Bucket said as she politely shook Mike's hands. There was a great feeling of love and warmth in her handshake Mike couldn't explain.

Mr. Bucket reached out his hand to Mr. Teavee. "Mr. Bucket, Charlie' father."

"Mr. Teavee, Mike's father." Mr. Teavee received what was probably the warmest handshake he felt in his life.

"And this is Willy Wonka," Charlie announced proudly, "he gave us a ride home."

"I see that." Mrs. Bucket said, looking at the broken roof in distaste. Mike was thrilled at least one Bucket didn't worship Wonka.

"You must be the boy's -" Wonka began struggling.

"Parents?" Mr. Bucket finished, slightly amused at the chocolatiers antics.

"Yeah, that." Wonka said in disgust.

"He says these boys have won something." Grandpa Joe informed them.

"Not just anything something," Wonka said while scanning the house, which seemed to be to his disapproval, "the most 'something' something of any something that's ever been. I'm giving these little boys my entire factory."

Charlie's face lit in euphoria while Mike was more astonished then he had ever been. "_Really_?" Mike asked.

"Really." Wonka said.

"You must be joking." Grandpa Joe said.

"No, really, it's true," Mr. Wonka insisted, "because, you see, a few months ago, I was having my semiannual haircut, and I had the strangest revelation.."

Wonka told about he found a silver hair on his shoulder in the middle of his haircut. "In that one silver hair, I saw reflected my life's work. My factory, my Oompa-Loompa's. Who would watch over them when I was gone? I realized in that moment: I must find a heir. And, I did, Charlie and Mike. You."

Wonka frowned as he turned toward Grandma Georgina and Grandpa George.

"That's why you seen out the golden tickets!" Charlie exclaimed, piecing it all together.

"Your giving us the factory because you had a bad haircut?" Mike asked incredulously.

Wonka ignored Mike. "Yeah. I invited five children to the factory, and the least rotten would be the winner. That's you two. Anyway, I have a contract that I need you two to sign."

Wonka pulled a document and two pens out of his coat. "Sing at the bottom."

The document started off in massive print, then gradually shrunk the further it went on. The last few reads were unreadable to the naked eye, looking like nothing but smears.

"I can't read the bottom." Mike complained.

"Well, maybe if you didn't watch so much television, you would read better, huh?" Wonka challenged.

Charlie eagerly signed his contract without the slightest hesitation. This was beyond anything he ever dreamed! Owning Wonka's! His family could finally afford a proper home. Wonka was a genius Charlie enjoyed being around, though he couldn't help but feel Wonka probably needed some professional help. Mike Teavee hadn't bullied him on tour like Violet and Augustus, prehaps he wasn't so bad. Maybe the kids at school would finally like him if he did great things at Wonka's. They might even wind up friends. Prehaps Wonka could even cure his grandparents!

Mike flickered his pen nervously. He loathed chocolate, why should he sign? Yet, for all his distaste for Wonka's inventions, there was _something_ about them that fascinated him. One could only imagine the money he would get. Also, Wonka clearly had unraveled some scientific mysteries, and Mike wanted to learn just how. Maybe he could be home-schooled so he wouldn't have to deal with those jerks at school who tried to make his life hell. Charlie Bucket seemed okay. Besides, he might be able to make a few key changes to how Wonka's operated...

Mike signed his name. Mr. Teavee smiled while Wonka frowned. Wonka had been hoping the boy would refuse the prize. Oh, well, at least he still had Charlie.

"Glad that's over!" Wonka said, "so, ready to come leave all this behind and come live with me in the factory!"

"Sure. Of course," Charlie said, "I mean, it's all right if my family come too?"

"Oh, my dear, boy," Wonka said, "of course they can't!"

The room fell into silence. Everybody had expected him to say "of course they can." Both Charlie and Mike had noted several anti-family vibes in Wonka before, but Charlie dismissed it as playfulness, Mike dismissed it as just another thing wrong with him.

"You can't run a chocolate factory with a family hanging over you like an old, dead goose," Wonka turned to Grandpa George, "no offense."

"None taken, jerk." Grandpa George snarled.

Wonka gave the old man a small glare the continued. " A chocolatier has to run free and solo. He has to follow his dreams, gosh darn the consequences!"

Wonka walked backed to the elevator. "Look at me. I have no family, and I'm a major success."

"And a nutcase." Grandpa George whispered loudly. Mike was starting to like the old man.

"So, if I go with you and Mike to the factory, I won't ever see my family again?" Charlie asked in outrage.

"Yeah," Wonka said happily, "consider that a bonus."

Neither heir could believe what they were hearing. Charlie loved his family, they were the only people that he had ever had. How dare Wonka try to take that away from him! Why did the man hate his family so much?_ Consider that a bonus!_ The thought irritated the usually content boy. They were a great family. Charlie heard the TV reports and newspaper stories of broken families, and he couldn't understand why those people destroyed the most important thing in their lives. Mr. Wonka might not be a nice man after all.

And, for all the arguments that Mike had with his parents, he still loved them. They were the only two in his life anymore, given that he had no friends. He could spend hours behind a machine, but when he had the occasional need for human interaction, it was his parents he wanted to see. His father had taught him how to rise a bike, how to read, bought him that Nintendo when he was five to calm his grief over his dog's death. Mike found it a bit disturbing that Wonka hated families so much. Was that why he didn't help the other children?

"Then I'm not going," Charlie insisted fiercely, "I wouldn't give up my family for anything. Not for all the chocolate in the world."

"Oh, I see," Wonka said in disgust, then turned toward Mike, hoping to stir envy in Charlie, "well, you'll do. Come on, little boy."

Mike shook his head no. "I may be a lot of things, but I'm not abandoning my family."

Mr. Teavee gave a sigh in relief. He had been worrying that Mike would just run off to spite him, but apparently there was still some of that kind little boy who loved books left.

"That's weird," Wonka said in confusion. His face lit up, "there's other candy to besides chocolate."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Wonka, I'm staying here." Charlie said.

"Oh. Well, that's just... unexpected. And weird." Wonka turned to Mike.

"I'm going back to Denver," Mike said, "I don't care if your contract -" he stopped in realization, "_does_ that contract we signed have a section prohibiting relatives from living in your factory?"

Wonka looked like he would throw up, reluctantly admitting, "No, it doesn't."

"Well, then it doesn't matter what you say," Mike smirked, "we can all go whether you like it or not."

"Let's get packing." Grandpa Joe said in excitement. Charlie ran upstairs to get his things.

"Well, I guess I'll call your mother so we get a moving truck to Denver," Mr. Teavee said, "then again, do you have anything in your factory that can move our belongings, Mr. Wonka?"

"Possibly." Wonka said. Living the rest of his life with two..._ families?_ Wonka ran out of the Bucket household and vomited in the garden.


	3. Wonka Explains The Tour

"Mr. Wonka?" Charlie walked outside the house, "I've been asked by my mother to tell you your invited to dinner along with the Teavee's."

Wonka was lying on the grass with a depressive look on his face. "So many broken dreams die in my chocolate river."

"What?" Charlie asked in confusion.

"Leave me to wallow, Charlie," Wonka demanded softly, "I can hardly bear the thought of living with these fa -" Wonka walked up and raced to the garden, where he vomited yet again. The plants were increasingly unrecognizable.

"I don't think my mother would appreciate that," Charlie said, "She worked hard on that garden."

"Not as hard as _I_ worked on the chocolate room," Wonka complained, "That awful boy will destroy it by next week."

"Mike Teavee won't destroy your chocolate room," Charlie insisted, having not seen the pumpkin smashing incident, "Come inside."

"What is for dinner?" Wonka asked in unease.

"Well, we normally have cabbage soup, but we're having a chicken broth because it's a special occasion."

"I suppose that's acceptable," Wonka sighed, "As long as nobody talks about fa -" Gagging slightly, he resisted the urge to vomit further.

Wonka felt sick as he walked into the house. They were sitting together like a... _family_. Oh, this was disgusting. Abominable, even. And they were enjoying it! What was wrong with these people? There were two empty seats left, one by Mike Teavee and one by Grandma Georgina. Wonka decided Georgina was probably the lesser evil, and reluctantly sat by her. Charlie had no choice but to sit by Mike, though he didn't mind.

"You smell like grapes," Grandma Georgina exclaimed, staring at the chocolatier with great fondness, "I love grapes."

"Oh, thank you," Wonka responded, "you smell like...old people. And soap."

The Bucket's looked flabbergasted at the odd answer, while Mike pondered which sarcastic response would best fit the scenario. Grandma Georgina, on the other hand, was thrilled by this awkward response.

"Flattery is a strong suit of yours, isn't it, Wonka?" Grandpa George snarled.

"How was the factory?" Mrs. Bucket called from the kitchen.

"Great!" Charlie cried, "It's the best place in the world!"

"Assuming, of course, that you aren't Augustus Gloop, Veruca Salt or Violet Beauregarde." Mr. Teavee added.

"What happened to those brats?" Grandpa George asked, clearly hoping for some punishment.

"Oh, they all got in factory accidents." Charlie explained.

"Accidents?" Grandma Josephine repeated.

"What kind of accidents?" Mr. Bucket asked.

"Well, Augustus went up a chocolate pipe," Charlie answered, "Veruca fell down to the incinerator -"

"And Violet's bones were dissolved by blueberry juice." Mike finished.

"You mean all the children are dead but these two?" Mr. Bucket asked in astonishment.

"I can assure you that nobody is dead," Wonka said quickly, "we saw them all alive through the flying elevator before we parked outside your house."

"_Inside_ the house," Grandpa George corrected, "you demolished the roof!"

"That's neither here or there," Wonka said in indifference, "anyway, the three kids were real rotten brats at my factory. I have a room where everything is eatable. I mean, you can eat about everything. Anyway, that fat kid -"

"Augustus Gloop." Grandpa Joe said.

"- Yeah, whatever, the fat kid was drinking out of my chocolate river. I have a river made entirely of chocolate," he redundantly clarified when he saw the shocked looks on the Bucket's faces, "Well, I told him not to stand so close to it, because he might contaminate it with his hands. But he fell in."

"How horrible." Grandma Josephine said, shivering at the thought of trying to survive the river.

"I know," Wonka agreed, "all that chocolate I'll have to recall -"

"I meant the boy!" Grandma Josephine snapped.

"Oh, yeah, he was horrible."

Grandma Josephine didn't bother further explaining what she had meant.

"Anyway, I have a series of pipes that suck up the chocolate, and he wound up in one of them." Wonka began laughing, to the Bucket's horror.

"That isn't funny." Mr. Bucket said.

"Of course not. Anyway, he was taken to the room where I make strawberry-flavored fudge, but he got pulled by the Oompa-Loompa's a few seconds before he could be boiled."

"What _is_ a Oompa-Loompa?" Mr. Bucket asked.

Wonka told the Bucket's the story that he had told in the chocolate room. Mr. Bucket and Grandma Josephine looked impressed, but Grandpa George wasn't. "There is no such thing!"

"But there is, Grandpa George." Charlie insisted.

"It's true George, " Grandpa Joe said, "we all saw them at the factory."

George looked shocked. He didn't trust Wonka as far as he could throw him (and, despite his illness, he was pretty sure he could throw him pretty far) but he knew that Charlie and Grandpa Joe were honest as they come.

"You found a subspecies that nobody knows about, without any help from anybody, and enslaved them?"

"No. I _hired_ them. It was purely voluntary, as I offered them cocoa beans."

"So you bribed them." Grandpa George spat in disgust.

"You really shouldn't mumble." Wonka said.

"Excuse me?" Grandpa George barked, "I do not_ mumble_, Wonka. And, frankly, I'm not inclined to take orders from a man with that hairstyle."

Wonka's eyes darkened. _That_ was an all-out declaration of war.

"Anyway, after that the kid was cleaned up as best as possible," Wonka continued, looking at Grandpa George with a look of deep distaste, "so we went to the inventing room. It's where I keep all my most secret inventions. One of them is a gum that substitutes for a three-coarse meal. But it wasn't quite ready."

"What happened?" Grandma Josephine asked.

"Well, Violet Beauregarde turned into a blueberry. Well, partially," Wonka clarified upon seeing the shocked looks on the Bucket's faces, "She still had her human body, but blueberry juice caused her to swell up."

"I love blueberries." Grandma Georgina announced.

"How could the gum create blueberry juice?" Grandma Josephine asked in disbelief.

"Well, the gum literally feeds people," Wonka explained, "or, at least it will when it's done. I told the foolish girl not to chew that gum, but she disobeyed and we had to take her to the Juicing Room."

"Why do you have a juicing room?" Mr. Bucket asked in curiosity.

Wonka gave a nervous chuckle. "You never know when you'll need it. Anyway, the juice is gone, though it seems that her bones were washed away with it."

Grandma Josephine shuddered. "How horrible."

"Actually, she seemed to like it because of how flexible it made her." Charlie informed his grandmother.

"Anyway, we then went to the nut room."

"Your bedroom?" Grandpa George asked sardonically.

Oh, Wonka really hated this old man. "No, I have a room where squirrels sorts out nuts for the chocolate."

"I hate squirrels." Grandma Josephine shivered.

"Well, you probably wouldn't have much in common with Veruca Salt," Wonka said, "she demanded that I give her a squirrel. I refused, so she ran into a restricted part of the room. The squirrels attacked and she went down to the incinerator."

The Bucket's gasped.

"It was turned off." Wonka had a strong air of disappointment in his voice.

"Well, that's good."

"Dinner's ready!" Mrs. Bucket filled everybody's bowls with chicken broth.

Mike Teavee frowned at the thought of a bland meal, but light up after taking a taste. "This is excellent, Mrs. Bucket." It _was_ excellent. Prehaps the woman had made cooking her hobby.

_Suck up,_ Wonka thought.

Mrs. Bucket beamed at the praise. "Why, thank you, Mike. You're a really sweet boy."

A snort of disbelief caused everybody to turn to Mr. Teavee, who blushed in embarrassment.

"Is the soup too hot?" Mrs. Bucket asked kindly. She had thought his noise sounded like a snort, but would give the benefit of doubt.

"Oh, no, it's great. Very great, actually. I've never seen a simple chicken broth this tasty."

Wonka grabbed his spoon, expecting a bland and boring soup. To his great surprise, it was quite tasty.

"Oh, my goodness! This is wonderful!"

"You mean it?" Mrs. Bucket asked in shock. The chocolate wizard was complementing her soup?!

"Why, yes. It has been many a moon since I had a soup this good, and the Oompa-Loompa's are excellent cooks."

Mrs. Bucket face shone through the room. "Your too kind, Mr. Wonka. How was the rest of the tour?"

"Great. We watched some television, then we came here."

"Hold it!" Mike unexpectedly piped up, "you just_ forgot_ to tell them about your musical numbers during the accidents!"

"Oh, yes, tell them about the Oompa-Loompa songs!" Charlie pleaded.

Wonka laughed nervously while waving a hand in dismissal. "They won't want to hear about that."

"I want to hear about it." Grandpa George looked at Wonka with a nasty grin.

"So do I." Grandma Josephine looked at Wonka in curiosity. Why did the man seem so nervous?

"Well, the Oompa-Loompa's like to crack jokes. So they sang some songs."

"_During_ the accidents," Mike added, "they danced and sang in celebration of the accidents."

"You exaggerate." Wonka claimed.

"Don't lie!" Mike snapped, "you knew all these accidents would happen! You wanted them too! Ask anyone!"

The Bucket's turned toward Grandpa Joe.

"He did seem rather unconcerned during the accidents." Grandpa Joe motioned toward Wonka.

"And the songs?" Grandma Josephine asked.

"The Oompa-Loompa's sang about the children and there punishments instead of helping them."

Charlie nodded. "Augustus song was about how fat he was. Violet's was about how much they hate chewing gum."

"And Veruca was about being a spoiled brat," Mike finished, "then, we went to the television room. You_ wanted_ me to shrink, the lyrics were about just that."

"A-absurd lunacy." Wonka stuttered.

"What exactly happened in the television room?" Mr. Bucket asked, "you said you merely watched television."

Mr. Teavee snorted. "Oh, we watched some television, all right. Televised images of Oompa-Loompa's singing about Mike shrinking to miniscule size."

"I have a television room. I have a new device I'm working on that teleports chocolate samples through television. Had the boy gone in it, he would have shrunk to miniscule size."

"Then why did the Oompa-Loompa's sing?" Mrs. Bucket asked.

"It does sound like you planned it." Grandpa George looked at Wonka with suspicion.

"Well, I didn't!" Wonka insisted, "why would Charlie be left out?"

Mike was about to snap that the contest was rigged, but his eyes rose in realization. "You_ did_ tempt Charlie. He just ignored it like me."

"Oh, really? Then tell me," Wonka demanded fiercely, "what was Charlie's temptation?"

"The Ever-Lasting Gobstopper."

Wonka made a nervous giggle. "What a load of garbage." He then thought about the irony of saying that after Veruca's punishment, and giggled harder.

"That was a test?" Charlie asked in confusion.

"Think _really_ hard about it," Mike faced Charlie, "a candy that never disappears. Wonka probably knew all about your family's poverty and decided that he would test if you would steal a Gobstopper. The Inventing Room was a dual test; you and Violet. No doubt it you had eaten it, something would have happened."

Charlie pondered this. It all seemed to fit.

"You tested them like lab rats?" Outrage filled Grandma Josephine's usually calm voice.

"Well, I couldn't just give my factory to anybody!" Wonka snapped, "imagine Veruca Salt and Augustus Gloop running my factory? Ew! I'm no fool. Fortunately, the miracles of candy shined yet again and everything turned out great. The only good child and least awful brat won my factory. I'd call that a success."

Silence filled the room, and Wonka realized he had said too much.

"What would you have done if Mike had shrunk?" Mr. Teavee asked quietly.

"Why, that's an unusual question," Wonka said, "I guess he would have gone to the taffy puller -"

"Taffy puller?" Mr. Teavee repeated in disgust.

"I love taffy." Grandma Georgina informed everybody.

"You did plan this," Grandpa Joe sounded horrified, "All those years, I thought you were so wonderful -"

"Well, I don't know about the rest of you," Wonka said over the man, "but I'm through with this wonderful meal. Now, why don't we discuss your living arrangements, assuming you wish to live in my factory." His voice strongly suggested he was hoping they didn't.

Nobody said anything. Grandpa George most certainly did_ not_ want to live in that death-trap, but he could never knowingly upset Charlie. Besides, he couldn't walk anywhere in any case.

"Well, there are two options. I can move your homes to my factory, or I can build you residencies."

"You can_ move_ our entire homes?" Mr. Teavee asked.

"That's right."

"And would they turn into blueberries or travel down garbage chutes?"

"Only if you want them too."

"That would be wonderful." Mrs. Bucket said.

"Well, I have to get back to the factory. I'll have the houses moved by the end of the week." Wonka ran to the glass elevator and clicked_** Chocolate Room**_.

"Mr. Wonka, what are we supposed to do now?" Mr. Teavee asked, but the elevator flew away.

Wonka watched as his factory began emerging. Mike Teavee was a menace, and the Bucket's didn't appreciate his noble punishments. Had he been watching the streets carefully, he would have noticed a dentist, who had been with the crowd earlier, was still standing right outside the factory, staring sadly and wondering if his son would ever come out.

Wonka landed in the chocolate room, where a Oompa-Loompa whispered that he had a phone call. Wonka was shocked. It had been seven years since he had received a phone call personally, the Oompa-Loompa's took the business calls.

"Hello?" Wonka asked cautiously.

"Mr. Wonka? It's Scarlett Beauregarde!"

"Why are you calling? The tour is over."

"I was just wondering if you wanted to come over on Saturday night?"

"And do what?"

Wonka heard a hiss of impatience on the other end. "Maybe share some ice cream."

"I don't have the time. I'll send you some ice cream, though. Have a good evening."

Wonka hung up the phone. "Send Scarlett Beauregarde some ice cream. I need a theapy session, I just spend a hour with two fa -" Wonka fainted in disgust.


	4. Flying Licorice Class

Wilbur Wonka sighed at he sat at a small desk in his hotel room. He had been hoping to cast a glance at his son, but after fourteen hours Willy never came out, so he gave up. He tried to see him when the gates first open, but brats were shoving each other, causing his glasses to fall on the ground. Thus, the moment he leaned over to pick up his glasses, he heard cheering. Immediately picking himself back up, the gates closed, ruining any small chance of seeing his son. What a waste this whole trip had been.

Wilbur pulled a piece of paper from his pocket that he had taken with him everywhere for years now. It was a phone number for Wonka's factory. He always vowed he would eventually call that number, but never had. Besides, what would he say? Willy probably loathed him at this point in time. And that was partially deserved. He had been far too hard on Willy, but not hard enough to merit this cold rejection.

He had wanted to move the house back to where it had been the moment that he had done so. But it was too late. He had tried to find Willy, but eventually gave up. It was a few years after that he was sent a photograph of Willy from a woman who had taken his picture. He had been relieved to learn that he was alive, but he did not contact this woman to see where Willy was.

_Just call him right now_, Wilbur told himself. Wilbur even picked up the telephone, his hands above the buttons. None of which he pressed. He didn't have the nerve. The dentist sighed. He wanted to finally dial that number one day, but today wasn't the day.

He had been collecting what little information about his son existed for decades. Every little scrap of newspaper he could find. It got worse when the local library installed internet access. He literally had dozens of scrapbooks of Wonka headlines, though none told him what he wanted to know. Still, he took them nonetheless, filling up entire rooms in his home.

Worse, he couldn't go a week without buying a Wonka bar. Every time he ate one, he brushed his teeth for two hours, yet he couldn't stop buying them. It was addictive. Willy was very competent in his chosen profession, as awful as it was. When he learned of the golden ticket, Wilbur immediately booked a flight to be at the ceremony. He did not expect to have a ticket; he just hoped for a brief second of his eyes and his son's meeting each other in recognition.

It was too late. The point of no return was reached long ago. Yet he still hoped that maybe, just maybe...

* * *

Mike Teavee was back in his house in Denver, in front of the video gaming system. Tuesday had been different from any other day of his life. What know? As Mike was pondering, he heard an awful noise. That song. The song from the television room was coming from the sky.

_The most important thing_

_That we've ever learned_

_The Most important thing we've learned_

_As far as children are concerned_

_Is never even let them near, a television set_

_Or better yet just don't install the idiotic thing at all_

"Where is that awful noise coming from?" Mr. Teavee asked in irritation.

"I'll check." Mike said. Checking three times to assure that his game was paused, he went to open the front door. Mike had not expected to see a candy helicopter emblazoned with the letters "WW" fly over his house, but he wasn't shocked by it.

"Hey, little boy," Wonka called from a loudspeaker, interrupting the song, "I'm going to move your house to my factory. Like my tunes?"

"How are you going to do that?" Mike asked, to relieved at the song's pause to snarl at Wonka.

"Unbreakable licorice," Wonka swerved slightly, "I'll tie one end to your house and another to my helicopter, then fly away."

"What about the plumbing and the electricity?"

"You'll be connected to my factory's systems."

"And the paperwork you'll need for this?"

"Have it all filled out."

Mr. Teavee walked out. "Mike? I thought I heard Mr. Won-" he looked at the helicopter in shock.

"He wants to move our house to his factory." Mike explained.

"That's right. One last chance to stay put and go on with your lives."

Neighbors were staring in awe. "How will you move it?" Mr. Teavee asked.

A series of Oompa-Loompa's parachuted from the chopper carrying massive strings of licorice. Giving Mike a look of pure loathing, they tied the licorice end to the house.

"Go inside," Wonka ordered, "we're preparing for an immediate flight!"

The Teavee's ran inside. Mike's stomach sank as he felt the house lift off the ground. After a few minutes, however, he was getting used to this. Mike eventually was comfortable with his house flying to not notice it, and he resumed his video games.

Wonka decided to spice things up by playing Mike's would-be demise song at the maximum volume, giggling uproariously as he clicked the play button. The noise was so loud Mike fell over, thinking something was exploding. In a few seconds, however, he recognized it as that song he loathed.

Mike was covering his ears. He tried humming loudly to drown out the noise, but he still heard every note. Mr. Teavee ran into the room, his own ears covered, attempting to ask Mike something over the song. Mike tried asking his father what he was trying to say, but attempts to communicate over the song were futile.

"It's too bad this is the highest volume we have at this point." Wonka told a Oompa-Loompa back in the helicopter. The Oompa-Loompa snickered in agreement and clicked the repeat button.

And, so, the song played on. Mike's irritation had turned to just plain fury by this point, but couldn't take his anger out on Wonka as long as he was in the helicopter. Mike had an unbearable migraine.

Finally, Wonka decided he had enough fun, and the music quit playing, to Mike's great relief. Mike's stomach sank as he felt the house move forward, backwards and every other ways imaginable. Mike wondered if Wonka was intentionally making the ride as uncomfortable as possible.

After several hours, Mike felt the house fall downward. Initially panicked, Mike realized after a few seconds they must be at Wonka's factory.

"We're here! Wonka called over the loudspeaker, "I hope you enjoyed that ride!"

Mike opened the front door of his house and saw the chocolate room. They had made it. The Bucket house had already been moved.

Wonka exited his helicopter through a licorice parachute. "Well, little boy, we're going to have a board meeting, and as a co-heir you are obliged to attend. Hop along." Wonka sounded like a board meeting with Mike was the last thing he wanted-which it was.

"All right." Mike said. Mike followed Wonka to the flying glass elevator. Wonka clicked a button titled**_ Board_ Room**. Mike's face smashed into the elevator's glass as it took a sharp curve to the right. Wonka somehow was standing perfectly still, giggling at Mike.

"Be careful, little boy," Wonka said, "you need to understand this elevator to defy it."

Mike didn't even know how to respond to that.

Mike heard a ding and the doors opened. Mike saw a large, chocolate bar-shaped table. On the left side of the table were Oompa-Loompa's dressed as lawyers, and on the other end was Charlie Bucket. Mike walked over to a seat by Charlie, as he seemed to be the only person there who didn't hate Mike.

"First, I got you both housewarming gifts." Wonka pulled two wrapped presents from under the table, giving one to Charlie and one to Mike, who was surprised that his present felt like a case for a video game or a DVD. Mike felt a rare wave of optimism. _Maybe Wonka is trying to be nice to you,_ Mike thought,_ maybe he's fine and __you simply got off on the wrong foot because he's so odd._

_Our maybe you're hopelessly naïve_, Mike snarled to himself once he tore off the wrapping paper. It was a DVD for_ Battlefield Earth,_ widely considered the worst science fiction movie ever. It was among Mike's least favorite movies. Mike was certain Wonka bought it simply because he knew Mike would hate it.

"That's one of my favorite films," Wonka's informed Mike, "Charlie, open your present!"

Charlie carefully opened his present, which was a lengthy book titled _Guide to Wonka's Factory._

"It's a map of the whole factory," Wonka said, "it tells you every last detail."

Envy quickly filled Mike's face. "Why don't I get a map to the factory?"

"I thought you said everything is pointless here, _Veruca_," Wonka began impersonating the girl, "Daddy, I want a map to the factory! Get me a map to the factory! I want it!"

Mike felt hurt by the harsh comparison. "I'm not a selfish brat like her."

"Have I not told you mumbling is bad?" Wonka asked, "besides, you wouldn't know what to do with the map. You're thinking powers rust and freeze!"

"_Don't_ quote that song," Mike snarled, "you almost shrunk me!"

"Let's trade," Charlie said quickly, "you can have the map and I'll take the movie."

Mike suddenly felt guilty. Two days ago this kid ate rotten cabbage, and he was always grateful. And was what Mike doing? Throwing a fit over a present. "No, it's fine," Mike said, "this isn't that bad of a movie, anyway."

"Well, maybe we should all get together and watch_ Battlefield Earth_ sometime." Wonka suggested. Mike cringed at the thought.

"How big is the factory?" Charlie asked.

"Well, it takes about three weeks to see the whole thing at this point," Wonka explained, "but it's constantly growing as a result of new ideas. You must be very careful should you explore the factory. In any case, I'll let you get settled in. Tomorrow, we'll talk about new candy ideas."

Mike was not looking forward to tomorrow. Wonka left the board room.

"I promised my grandparents and parents that I'd show them the factory," Charlie old Mike, "maybe you and your mother would like to join us?"

"Um...well, okay, sure." Mike said, deciding that the factory would probably be much more interesting without Wonka around.

"I don't think we've actually introduced each other," Charlie offered his hand, "I'm Charlie Bucket."

"Mike Teavee," Mike took Charlie's hand, "I guess we have to take the elevator?"

Wonka returned to the room. "Oh, I almost forgot," Wonka picked up a small schedule, "to give this to the Oompa-Loompa cheif. Anyway, what are you two up to?"

"We're going to see the factory!" Charlie announced.

"With our families." Mike added.

Wonka's felt faint. It was that awful word again. _Family. _Wonka vomited on Mike and Charlie.


End file.
